


we don't need to look back (you're perfect just the way you are)

by OsleyaKomWonkru



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Apologies, Blake sibling feels, Episode: s06e13 The Blood of Sanctum, Fix-It, Gen, Healing, Missing Scene, The Blakes are nerds in all the best ways, The Sparrow - Freeform, Truth, mentions of cannibalism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 21:03:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20234338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OsleyaKomWonkru/pseuds/OsleyaKomWonkru
Summary: On the way to the Anomaly, Bellamy asks Octavia what she meant when she said "that's why I burnt the farm". As he learns the truth about the Dark Year, he's forced to reevaluate how he's treated his sister, and recognize the strength in her that he'd failed to see before.“If we weren’t free of that bunker, everything I did to keep my people alive for those six years meant nothing. All of the impossible choices I had to make. The lives I had to take so that more could live.” She stopped walking and looked up at him. “I was a monster. I know that. I wish you hadn’t had to see it. But I was the monster we needed. I did what I had to to keep my people alive, regardless of what it cost me to do so.”“And what did it cost you?”“Everything.” Octavia whispered. “It cost me everything.”





	we don't need to look back (you're perfect just the way you are)

**Author's Note:**

> So how about that finale, eh?
> 
> Honestly, that finale saved the season for me. If you follow me on Tumblr (same username as here), you'll know it is no secret I haven't been a fan of this season, because Octavia's had such a small part to play in it. But seeing how it is setting up for next season, I'll forgive them for it, considering they've shown what an important part of the show's mythos she is. She's _the_ most important part of the show's mythos. (Go read all of my meta on Tumblr, no point in repeating it here, that's why I started my Tumblr in the first place, so my author's notes wouldn't be full of meta :D)
> 
> Don't worry, we'll be seeing our girl again. Her story isn't over. But in the meantime, I've got lots of my own story of hers to tell. Starting with this fic, some more end-of-S6 fics, and of course, I have to get back to finishing all of my WIPs. I'll do it, I promise. If you want to know how progress on those is going, send me a DM on Tumblr and we can chat.

Bellamy and Echo followed Octavia and Gabriel into the forest as they passed the boundary of Sanctum, shield still down. Bellamy was quiet, casting regular glances ahead at his sister, but not approaching her.

“What is it?” Echo asked, rubbing his shoulder as they walked.

“I… I just have so many questions. Things I don’t understand.”

“About Octavia?”

“Yeah. But I don’t even know how to begin.”

“Just talk to her, Bellamy. She wants to talk now. Putting time and distance between herself and everything that happened… it’s helped her. I can see it.”

“I wouldn’t know what to say to her.”

“Then don’t say anything. Just listen.” Bellamy still looked apprehensive, so Echo pushed onward. “We don’t know what we’re walking into. What this Anomaly Stone is, and what it could do. Why Gabriel is so interested in it, and why your sister is the key to it. What if something happens? Don’t let yourself regret not taking a chance now.”

Bellamy nodded in acquiescence. “Okay. Okay, I’ll try.”

“Good.” Echo kissed his cheek and picked up her pace. “Gabriel? I have some questions about the Anomaly. Can you answer them for me?”

As Echo stepped into step with Gabriel, Octavia looked a bit lost, keeping pace with them for a moment until it was clear they were walking too quickly for her to keep up, and she dropped back, Bellamy falling into step with her.

“Hey, O.” Bellamy started.

Octavia smiled briefly, but didn’t meet his eyes.

“I wanted to ask you about what you said. After we found Jordan.”

“What do you mean?”

“Why you burned the farm. You were talking about the believers, and how if they admit the truth, their lives mean nothing. And that’s why you burned the farm. I need to understand what you meant by that.”

“If we weren’t free of that bunker, everything I did to keep my people alive for those six years meant nothing. All of the impossible choices I had to make. The lives I had to take so that more could live.” She stopped walking and looked up at him. “I was a monster. I know that. I wish you hadn’t had to see it. But I was the monster we needed. I did what I had to to keep my people alive, regardless of what it cost me to do so.”

“And what did it cost you?”

“Everything.” Octavia whispered. “It cost me everything.”

“What do you mean?”

“What do you think I mean? You sounded so sure of yourself when you called me the Queen of Cannibals.”

“I just overheard Abby mention to Murphy that you forced people to eat human flesh at gunpoint. I didn’t hear any more than that. If that’s not true, then I’m sorry.”

“It’s all true. But it’s all wrong.”

“Not the time to be quoting _The Sparrow,_ O.”

Octavia’s eyes filled with tears as she looked away, turning back in the direction that Echo and Gabriel were headed in, making to follow them.

“Unless it is?” Bellamy asked desperately. “I -”

“Do you remember what that line meant?” Octavia asked, not looking back at him. “We had just gotten to the end of that book when I was arrested. When mom was killed. Do you still remember what that line meant?”

“The broadcasts sent from Rakhat had painted one picture of Emilio Sandoz. But the story that he told the priests when he arrived back on Earth was something completely different. Not in terms of hard facts, those matched up, but the reasons and circumstances around them.”

Octavia nodded, turning back around. Her lower lip was trembling, a tear slipped down her left cheek. “I did force people to eat human flesh at gunpoint. That’s true. But it wasn’t for power or control or some sick game. We had no other options. It was so they would _survive_. And so they wouldn’t blame themselves for what had to be done to do that.”

“The farm failed?”

“Yeah. Took a year to bring it back. What else was I supposed to do? We thought we were the last of the human race. I had promised to save them. Abby said that if people didn’t eat, if they died of starvation - that would kill the rest of us too, because it wouldn’t be enough to feed us. So people couldn’t not eat. So I did what I had to do, so they would eat and so they could live with themselves after. Because if they didn’t have a choice, then it wasn’t their sin to bear. It was mine. Do you understand that?” She looked at him with desperate imploring eyes.

“I do.” Bellamy remembered what Dante Wallace had said to him and Clarke, years ago now, before they irradiated Mount Weather. “I do. Deliverance comes at a cost. You bore it, so they didn’t have to.”

Octavia pressed her lips together, trying to hold back her tears, but they spilled down her face anyway. Bellamy stepped closer, slowly, seeing if she’d let him, and she did. He pulled her into a hug and she clung to him desperately, sobbing into his shoulder.

“I’m so sorry, O.” Bellamy whispered into her hair. “I’m so sorry that I judged you without trying to understand.”

“So that’s why I burned the farm.” Octavia sobbed. “I burned the farm because if we didn’t have that valley, if we had to stay in _that place_ where I’d had to do those terrible things - what did I do it all for? What was my purpose? Was it worth it? And then losing it all - that’s why I was lost, when I woke up. Because nothing made sense anymore. I’d given all of myself, and it wasn’t enough. I’d lost everything, including you, and - it broke me. It broke me and the pain was all I had left.”

Bellamy didn’t say anything, he just pressed a kiss to the top of his sister’s head, holding her tight, letting her release all of the emotions that she’d kept bottled up for what had to have been years. Years during which she’d sacrificed her humanity to keep her people alive. Keep them blameless.

Tears cried out, eventually Octavia pulled back, looking Bellamy in the eye again, at a loss for what to say now.

“I’m so proud of you, O.” Bellamy finally said. “So proud. Not just for what you did to keep your people alive. But for what you’ve done here. I shouldn’t have cast you out. I should have helped you deal with your pain. But I didn’t, I didn’t want to understand, and I - I cast you out to die, and you still fought like hell to live. You came back stronger for it. You came back to fight for people who have only given you pain, people you owe nothing to, strangers you know nothing about - and you still wanted to save them. You’ve been making yourself better even when you were already perfect. You’ve been doing what Monty wanted for us more than anyone else. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever known and I love you so much.”

“I love you too, big brother.”

They embraced again, clinging tightly to each other, their history finally where it needed to be - in the past.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Crossroads" and "Perfect The Way You Are" by Dead by April. The latter is my current favourite Octavia-themed song, so go take a listen to it!


End file.
